Contentment

I haven't really cared too much about reading my Bible. I don't know what it is. I've never really had this "problem" before. Its weird, I've been having a lot of questions about God lately. I'm having a hard time understanding his purposes. Some things I know I probably will never receive answers to, but I'm still struggling with that. The irony is, the one place that could probably give me some peace I don't want to seek.
See I've been a Christian since I was 5. People used to tease me for knowing too much about the Bible. I can quote verse after verse. Since I was in junior high, I started daily quiet time. Once I left college, I really had to try hard to continue my relationship with God. I think going to a Christian college was a blessing, but somewhere inside I think I turned the Bible into a textbook. My faith has always been just that, faith. I never questioned reasons "why", never was angry at God, just always trusted that He knew what He was doing and down the road I may come to understand.
Ever since my miscarriage last year, the questions have been a flooding. My biggest question (which has many parts) is "Why does God open doors in my life, but doesn't allow me to walk through them? Why does He open the door for a sneak peak and then close that door?" As awful as this sounds, I sometimes see God opening the door saying, "See this. See what you could have. HAHA! You are NOT going to get it!" Now I know, I KNOW, God does not do this.
I frankly am tired of the "God has a purpose" response from everyone. That answer doesn't really answer my questions. It doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't make life any easier and it doesn't pay my bills.
Like I said in a past post, I'm a work in progress. I spend time thinking a lot. My love for God is lukewarm. Just admitting that makes me want to throw up, since I know God does not like lukewarm people. But it's the truth.
This all being said, I decided to pick up my devotional book for Mom's today. I just turned to a page and started reading. It is titled: Contentment. This sort devotion doesn't really answer my questions, but challenged me to find contentment and to be more thankful instead of thinking "poor,poor me." Contentment is something that goes against society. I enjoy going out and shopping, it actually makes me feel better. So being content with what I have now, is really difficult. Anways..

Here's the devotion:
"If we could just buy a bigger house, I'd be happy." "I wish my husband would get a better paying job." "I wish I had some time to myself." "If I could lose some weight, had better hair, were prettier...."
You may be unaware of how many times during the day you express your lack of contentment. The apostle Paul wrote, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation."
The secret of contentment lies not focusing upon what you lack, but in concentrating deeply upon those things of value which you have been entrusted. For instance, when you learn to value the people in your life appropriately, material things diminish in importance and you find contentment in your relationships. When you learn to cherish truth and spiritual growth, temporal things pale in comparison and you experience great joy. When you learn to value integrity, nurture humility, love unconditionally, and become more invested in the happiness of others than in yourself, the pettiness of dissatisfaction melts away and the result is abundant life.
Contentment is contagious. It is one of those elusive traits that children learn more effectively by example than any other way. So the question is, have you learned the secret of being content? If not, you can begin changing today. The result is you will be more happier and your children more at peace.
Verse:
"Godliness with contentment is great gain. If we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." 1 Timothy 6:6,8

I can't promise I will wake up tomorrow totally content. (Maybe if all my bills were paid I would.. just kidding). I know I am going to try hard this week at being content and working on my relationships with people. I know some day Sophi will really follow everything I'm doing and saying, so I need to work on some things before that. No pressure, right?